I'm in the Land of Confusion

I am in a period where I can't see straight. I'm having a deeply felt experience of not knowing where I wanna go from here. What I wanna do with the rest of my life. I'm not anxious, but more..tense, very restless.

After I decided to commit to the 100 Day Reality Challenge 2-3 weeks ago I've found that I'm more challenged by my inner self sabotager than I've been in a long time. Weird? Probably not - that part of me is getting more desperate to not lose ground in my inner landscape.

It's like my core and my ego have been thrown up in the air, and I can't see which is what. It's confusing, and annoying.. Right now I'm uncertain of who I am, and what I believe in.
I'm in a zone of questions:
Where? Which? Who? Why? How? Really? WHAT???


1-2 weeks ago I saw the first session of "The Big Leap series" Lilou Mace did with Gay Hendricks (youtube). I loved the whole session, but one of the things Lilou said stuck with me because that is how I feel too sometimes. She said: "Sometimes I feel like a fraud." What she meant was that she is doing a lot of spiritual practice to improve her life, and has for years, making lots of videoes that inspire others, but in her personal life she keeps sabotaging herself in different ways.
Her and me both!!
I KNOW what it takes, or at least I think I know - but then I sabotage myself over and over again, doing the opposite of what I know is right, or the thing that I want. I can't figure myself out at the moment!
Have you felt anything similar?

I wasn't sure if I wanted to post this, but I'm doing it anyway.
Maybe it's my self sabotager who wants me to..! lol

I'll write an update on this, as I'm certain of one thing: THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS!

Hugs to you
Aina

It's time to get REAL, and it makes me feel ENERGIZED!!

I feel so different today! So amazingly ENERGIZED!

I've decided to get a little more personal here on my blog. More like a diary type of writing, regarding my personal development.

There's a difference between knowing what is real, and actually living it - and I have a strong side that has always tried to destroy my goals and intentions. Call it ego if you like. It is what it is. One side is always working for my best interest, and the other side to fight my best interest. This constant internal battle field have been in me most of my life.

Here are two examples, just so it gets clear how this can work.
1)I decide I want to lose weight, and feel really motivated, I end up eating too much, or start craving chips to the point that I "have to" eat some (or a lot) or else I get cranky.
2) I decide I want to start painting again, and really look forward to it - but then I start doing house cleaning, log on to facebook, start doing something totally different (anything really).
I have a strong self sabotager in me. That's the current fact.

The great 10.10.10 I had yesterday - and all the wonderful vibes from that day might be what is working big time in me today, triggering this. Yet also - I am so inspired because last night I watched the hour long third session youtube vid Lilou Mace did with Freeman Michaels this weekend. It was exactly what I needed: I have so much integration to do! So much acceptance work! I realized soo much of what I have to work on!
For instance I have to acccept my self sabotager by observing it instead of just being in it's self sabotaging nature. I have to embrace my inner child a lot more, and the strong rebel in me - so they work FOR me, not against me! The self sabotager is a a collection of neglected, "pushed-under-the-rug" parts of me, and those parts need to be acknowledged.

I've also decided to make intentions for the day in a journal each morning, so I program myself to focus on what I want to do and manifest. Each morning!



There's so much going on inside me today, that I even struggle finding the words to describe it all, LOL I just wanted to share that I'm getting more REAL than ever, and that I feel energized just by knowing about it!

I will share what I'll do, my challenges and "way to go's", and what I realize as I do this work. So much of my life need that I make huge changes. Since the outside world/the Matrix is a direct reflection of my inside that is where all the work needs to be done, so my intention and drive are aligning for that in a much stronger way now!
I HAVE DECIDED TO TRANSFORM MY LIFE!!!

Real intention vibes are flowing out from my very core!
~ Aina ~

I am a Loner longing for the Freedom of a simple life

Are you a city person? I am definitely not! LOL
To me having little and living simply have a huge stroke of Freedom. I have often dreamt about living in a small house near a mountain somewhere, no other houses as far as my eyes can see. At one point, when I studied buddhism some yrs back, I dreamt about joining a buddhist convent - to me that was really appealing. It still is somewhat.
There is an island outside of Italy, I don't know the name of it (yet), where one can go and stay for a week or so. It is a convent there, catholic monks I think - and what is so special about this place is that no one speaks. I read about it in a book some years back. The Norwegian author had been there. From that moment on I started dreaming about going there - and some day I will. One full week of complete silence sounds like Heaven on Earth to me!
I have been a loner all my life. If I've been around people, I need my silence for a while. I have learned ways to connect with my inner stillness point no matter how noisy a place I'm in - yet I get so effected by energies, that I still need my own space quite a lot. I should learn to control it..
I have memories from several previous lives, and in some of them I've been living in celibacy, as a loner and sage - yet working as a teacher, healer etc. Maybe that's why the thought of living by myself in a cave somewhere is a longing I have to deal with..
It's not that I don't like human life - there are many great things about it. I just have this longing for a Freedom I don't feel I have now. I am aware that is an illusion - that I'm always free. I am working on connecting full time to the Freedom that exists in the eternal Now.
I have not really talked about my longing to others, yet I felt like sharing it.
Much much love to you
~ Aina ~

Tomorrow - 65 years since Hiroshima was bombed. Let's create PEACE with our Hearts!

"Peace Memorial days" on the 6th in Hiroshima, and on the 9th in Nagasaki. Let us remember to pray for the spirits who had to leave Earth because of all the wars in our history.

Tomorrow, on the 6th, it's 65 years ago since the first atomic bomb were dropped over Hiroshima, Japan. On Monday, the 9th - the same for Nagasaki. Let's make these days a time to really reflect on Peace, and send our Peace vibes from our Hearts - to honour all those who have left Earth during war. Also to focus on creating Peace as a way of Life for us all, and the ones that come after us.
During the history of humanity too much blood have been shed, and it's about time we get together in Peace and Harmony to prevent such devastation to occur again.
We all have in us the ability to create Peace. By BEING peace, we can change this world. We can do it!
Lots of love and peace vibes to you!
~ Aina ~

Solar activity is hitting on my vibes! Yours too?

Hello! I tried to write a new post here last night - but my mind was bent in all sorts of strange directions, so I had to give up after three attempts, on just as many subjects..!
I'm experiencing a strange state of mind these days (for the last 2 weeks or so), where everything is up in the air. My memory is out of function, and my moods are like a rocky sea.. I can't see straight because my inner landscape is misty.. It sure is a strange ride! I have to smile sometimes, because it's really weird to feel so out of balance! I'm not down. I'm just up in the air, and experiencing some turbulence. You know the feeling, right? I undertand that many share a similar state of mind these days - and some say it's connected with the massive solar activity that's going on. I'm apt to believe that. We are effected by the moon, and the sun is even stronger.. Mother Moon is only a reflection of Father Sun's light. Would be great if Father Sun could go into a deep state of meditation, by the way.. Just for a little while, so I could sort out my mind a bit. Two days in a row I have meditated, to feel some sense of inner peace - just to find that 5 minutes after, my depths have taken the flight again.. Do you even understand what I'm talking about? LOL All I know is that this too will pass - and I thank Source for that!
By opening up, and sharing this, I hope, if you are going through something similar, that it helps to know you are not alone :) It's always a relief to know you are not alone regarding an experience you have a hard time figuring out where comes from.. When we open up and share, it's comforting - and we understand fully that we are more alike, and have more in common, than we usually think we are and have. The fact is, we are all One. Connected. Whatever one of us are going through, somewhere out there someone else, often many, are going through the same emotions, the same state of mind. We are truly never alone about anything. I like that fact!
Thank you for reading this.
Peace waves are flowing your way,
~ Aina ~

Follow the sound of your OWN drum!

"I have been called a "Sweet Heart", I've been blocked for telling the truth. The art of living is finding the balance between aggression and love... Some say love is the only weapon you need, I say without confront there is no purpose in life." One of my facebook friends has written this, and I really like the determination and drive behind her words. It REALLY speaks to me.
To a large extent I agree with her! Sometimes following your heart make you far from popular, even make other people's egos hurt - though hurting someone else is not your INTENTION. It's still important to follow what you feel/know is right - for you, for someone else, or for a larger purpose. Love is not all about being gentle, a door mat, or "swallowing camels" (as we say here in Norway) - it's also (a lot) about taking a stand, or work for a larger purpose. To have the courage to meet resistance from other people. When your INTENTION isn't to hurt anyone you're not responsible for how others react to your choices. They have to work at solving their reactions themselves. I'm not talking about lack of empathy, or to be cruel - just to live with integrity, and follow the sound of your OWN drum. It's in you for a reason!
Almost every strong heart follower in history have been mocked, publically humiliated, opposed/resisted, demonstrated against, threatened, called crazy, imprisoned - literally or figuratively speaking, and/or killed - Jesus, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr, Albert Einstein, Carl Gustav Jung, Sitting Bull/Native Americans, David Icke.. the list is endless, and it'll keep growing!
These are all souls who have made a big difference in the world - great souls with a huge purpose. They have all been normal people, with an extraordinary drive. They have not given in to anyone, and the ones still living, still don't. How inspiring!
This is how I think: No matter how I am, what I do, what I value or what I want, there will always be someone who has something negative to say about me/my choices, so the best that I can do for my own peace of mind is to live and do by my own heart. No other way of living is an option to me (anymore), and it shouldn't be for you either, my friend!
Love and strong drive vibes are flowing your way!
~ Aina ~

It's healthy to be yourself!

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
How challenging life can be..! From the time we can stand up straight we are taught how we should behave - "Watch your manners", "Don't talk that loud", "Stop crying", or even worse "Big boys/girls don't cry", "You can't be an artist when you grow up, you need to get a REAL job" etc. We learn to keep our authentic feelings, thoughts and dreams to ourselves because they "don't match what I learned was right.." We learn to wear MASKS. We basically learn to ignore the voice of our hearts, our souls and to be who we really are... When we get to adulthood most of us use a lot of time trying to found our way back to our core selves. Ironic, isn't it?
My masks came on at a very early age - to be a "good girl for the world" out of fear of being critized/not loved for being who I was inside, and accept all my different feelings and dreams. In my teenage years I was so rehearsed on wearing masks that I had anxiety attacks (hidden from others of course - couldn't tell anyone) and I thought I was mad. Now I know differently. My anxiety attacks were healthy - because they were my soul fighting the unnatural masks and ego that others around me had helped me build. My "insanity" were a result of the internal battle field between my core self and the personality society around me had made up.
Straight from my heart - drop your masks and be who you truly are! Don't compromise your integrity. Be HEALTHY!
One of all the benefits of being authentic is that you attract people who like you for YOU, instead of people who like who you PRETEND to be. That's my experience. ;)
Summer hugs to you,
Aina

You have a unique signature frequency! :)

I am so happy to walk on the same planet that you do :)
Think about it for a minute - all the things we have experienced this far in Life, and will experience from now on.. Giving us the opportunity to learn and grow, to change perspectives, to dream and set goals that we can reach, to become more and more who we really are and were meant to become from the moment we took our first breaths.. and to share, connect, bond through our similar experiences..!
We have the same set of feelings. The whole scale of emotions from A-Z is in you, and me, and everybody else!
You and I have the same needs; to be loved, appreciated, accepted just the way we are, be forgiven when we make mistakes, feel that we belong with someone, to dream, follow our hearts and passions, make our dreams come true, believe in ourselves, give to others, get hugs and be smiled at, and much more..
How lucky you are that you have all you need inside to make life better every day, for yourself AND for someone else; make them feel loved, make them feel special, and appreciated for their unique personalities and talents.
Yet, even though we have many similarities, you are UNIQUE - and what you can bring to the table of the World, nobody else but YOU can bring. Isn't that exhilirating to know..?!!
Some years ago, when I attended a medium course in Oslo, my teacher said that each of us have our own "signature frequency", and one of our first exercises were to close our eyes and feel the signature vibes of every other participant on the course. We walked around, took each others hands, and held the other on one of their shoulders, and closed our eyes. We were to memorize their energy by their names. (We were about ten people). One at a time we got blindfolds on - and the teacher chose 3 people, one at a time, to walk up to the one with blindfolds. Wow! It was very special to stand there like that - and really FEEL how different vibes the others had from one another, and how easy it was to tell them apart! You should try this sometime - and it's important that none of the particpants wear perfume. ;)(our teacher told us in advance not to wear any.)
I salute your energy frequency, and I'm so happy and grateful that you and your special energy also walk around in this world!!! :)
Love is flowing your way from my heart.
~ Aina ~

The Fluctuating Moods of Life

My first post on my new blog! I'm very excited, especially because I've struggled for two days to get a blog up and running at another blog place..! Had to give in there, and was led here. Much easier! LOL
How is your life these days..? To me it seems that many of us struggle a lot. My first thought now was "That's Life", and it sure is - yet we have to LIVE our ups and downs, right? We like the ups, and often dread the downs..
What do you think the meaning of life is..? Some wrote the other day that the meaning of life is to be happy. Is it, really? I've wondered about that many times - if we are supposed to be happy all the time. If so, why aren't we all just one happy, smiling group of souls walking the surface of Earth?
Happy and content moments are surely much welcome components of life. We need them - to laugh and feel at ease. Feel the flow in our lives and affairs. I believe we seriously need the downs also - to grow, gain perspectives/insights, alter our ways to better our lives - and others' also. To be able to cherish our great moments as well.
There's a big difference in how we react to the challenges though - whether we take it all too seriously, fly off the handle and loose our energy, moods and higher perspectives, or keep a positive frame of mind, and tell ourselves "This too will pass." We all have both ways to react, yet one is stronger than the other. Which one is stronger in you..? To me it depends on how many challenges I have to deal with at once. When I'm exhausted my energy is low, and it's easy to loose the perspective of the fact "This too will pass". For a little while, anyway. The fluctuating moods of Life are constant - and that's the only thing we can count on.
No matter what is bothering you at the moment, just remind yourself: "This too will pass." It will ;)
Much much love to you
~ Aina ~